< February intentions and some sage I burned to release ALL the negativity >
This morning I really took stock of my life. I slept terribly last night, and woke up in a panic. I could not even figure out what was causing my heart to quicken or my hands to shake.
I first really took stock of my life about four years ago. I was 6 months into looking for a job in the public health world and things were not looking good. I felt unchallenged, and like I was wasting my skills and everything I had learned during my undergrad and graduate years of study. I hit rock bottom, and decided to to the thing I was dreading most; go back to school. I knew that if I just bit the proverbial bullet, I would come out never needed to “look” for a job ever again. I would have a lifelong career.
Then I found out I had PCOS, and that we would need to speed up our timeline on another journey; parenthood. I knew I was in for it. But it would all be worth it in the end, right?
Fast forward to this morning, around 7am. I now have 7 weeks left of nursing school. I battled a year of prerequisite science courses, dissecting cats during the height of my morning sickness, interviews, applications, and 21 of the most challenging months of my life taking endless exams, putting in hours of clinical time, getting checked off, and having to be PERFECT. ALL. THE. TIME.
I have spent years battling my need for perfection, and nursing school sent me into a cycle of high expectations and an intense fear of not only failure, but of not being the best. So it is no surprise that I woke up this morning, after over a year of going through the motions and burying my feelings, of soul crushing mental and physical exhaustion, feeling like I just did not want to do it anymore. Feeling like I was SO DONE ignoring my body, DONE being told where to be and when, DONE constantly being on someone else’s schedule. FINISHED Putting my life on hold.
I somehow got my son to school all smiles and then got in the car and cried. a lot. Tears for all the balancing that never really happens and for the stress and loss of time with him. And for all the scary and uncomfortable things I saw during clinicals, and for constantly pushing myself way beyond my comfort zone. And all the times I woke up in the middle of the night panicking that I didn’t turn something in.
The last two weeks of my capstone clinical in the postpartum unit have been nothing short of amazing. My preceptor is an admit nurse, so she not only cares for mom and baby, but goes to every delivery and resuscitates babies in emergency situations. And you guys, I was so not ready for this. I was not ready for all the feelings that being with newborns would trigger. All the memories of fertility treatments and wishing I could be pregnant. Ultrasounds and shots and hormones. And wondering if it will work again and what if the second time around it does work and what if I have complications during my pregnancy and what if I do not get the girl I am hoping and praying for (this is another post in itself friends)? And what if I just cannot handle more than one kid?
Like I said. Panic. This is what happens when you are exhausted and have been burning the candle at both ends. I never realized how much nursing school would teach me, nor how much it would break me down. I had a good cry, called my SAINT of a husband, and had to rush home for a phone exit interview with our career counselor. She told me how nice it was to talk to someone who is so passionate about nursing. My passion is my capability and my crux. It drives me to be the best, but leads me to ALL THE FEELINGS.
I am sharing this with you guys because life is so hard sometimes. And this season is a particularly tough one for me. And sometimes you do not know someone’s WHOLE story outside of their tailored instagram account. I am so close, yet really needed this morning to take stock and really prioritize things in my life. No more trying to be the perfect straight A student. No more pushing myself past my limits. Lot’s more breathing, and writing intentions and taking care of my body. Please remember that self care is so much more than getting a facial. It is putting YOU first, and only doing the things and being around the people that bring you joy. This is just a little reminder from me, so you don’t end up crying in your car on a Thursday morning 🙂
So much love,